I was finally able to find a new psychiatrist last week! She's going to be taking me off the Abilify since it isn't doing anything. And she's talking about putting me on an antipsychotic dose of Seroquel. I'm just happy to be going off the Abilify! That medicine was all bad and no good, at least in my case. But the Seroquel will hopefully get rid of my hallucinations and paranoia. She also thinks my diagnosis isn't correct, which I didn't think it was right myself. She doesn't like labels but if she had to diagnose me based off all that I told her on our visit it would be schizoaffective disorder, not bipolar. The reason she thinks it's schizoaffective is because my psychosis has been going on for so long. When it's bipolar psychosis it comes and goes, whereas my is constant. The med treatment is the same for both bipolar and schizoaffective for the most part. But I go back to see her on Thursday. I had to get my lithium levels checked before she could change any of my medications. Which is understandable.

Anyways, I know I've been sort of distant lately. Sorry, there has been family drama going on. My brother decided he was going to drink some peroxide one night and ended up in the hospital psych ward for a few days. My mom once again has decided to laugh it off instead of really taking it seriously. Her response about it was "Well, if you wanted to clean your insides there are better ways to do it" I'm sorry but if my child did something like this I wouldn't be there cracking jokes. But maybe that's her coping mechanism. I don't know. I was really getting worried about him though. He burnt himself earlier this year, on purpose, which is just as bad as me cutting myself. It seems worse when it's my brother doing it, even though I know they both are equally as bad. I'm just worried about him and how he's doing. He doesn't talk much about whats going on with him. But he promised me the meds he's on are working and he isn't feeling that way anymore.

As for how I'm doing. I honestly feel like a few days in the psych ward would probably do me some good right about now. I've been having suicidal thoughts off and on for the last couple of weeks. And I don't think I would act on them, but there is always that tiny doubt in the back of my mind. I wish my meds were already straightened out. Then I could maybe possibly start feeling better. I just feel so blah. But I know I won't go for two reasons. One, I'm broke. We still owe the hospital for the last time I went in for my wrist a month or so ago. Two, there are always going to be someone worse off and I'd feel horrible taking a bed from someone who really needs it. I feel like they would need it more than me, even if that isn't always true. I just feel like I'm going crazy on the inside right now. My skin is crawling and I just feel restless on the inside. But I'm also feeling dead tired at the same time. Those two feelings shouldn't go together.

Enough rambling for me right now. I just needed to vent a little. Ignore my craziness.